Foot Fetishist In Da House

I looked over at my husband during this episode – the lovely and adorable Mr. Minty – and he was picking a hair off his jacket. Yeah, he’s real invested in this show – it’s fucking riveting. We also had a chat about the fact that Anna Paquin is pregnant – mostly because I winced in that first scene when she fell over. I know she would have been protected, and not in any danger, but you just kinda can’t help it, you know? It doesn’t help that it’s fairly obvious just how pregnant she is.

I’d also like to note that there are now all these references to toes in the show – I heard toes twice tonight – once about Mike Spencer, and once about the ex-wife who named her toes or whatever. Geez – they’re so bored and inattentive they’re letting the foot fetishist put their two cents in.

I Love Mices to Pieces

I’m unclear why Sam thinks it’s fine to terrorise his customers for being afraid of vampires. It’s okay for the vampires to have super speed and such, but not okay for the humans to defend themselves? The one day he turns up at work (finally!) he stops his human customers – the only people who buy stuff – from defending themselves. I’m no fan of guns, but I recall Mike Spencer didn’t get any protection, and look where he ended up. Totally stolen from Buffy the way he died.

As a mother, I will also say that Luna is a totally crap mother. My youngest son went missing for two hours when he was 13 (it was a train ticket snafu, and he has been scolded to turn on his mobile phone by me and by the police I called) and I was like a meerkat sticking my head up listening for where he was. I was agitated and all. I would have veritably snapped some dude’s head off if he thought I had to calm down and not over react. Emma has been missing for days in the company of vampires – for fuck sake – she should need enough Valium to tranquillise an elephant at this point.

I do love mices to pieces though – we’ve had a few pet mice, and I’m mightily tempted to get some more, particularly seeing those cute little darlings streaking across the floor. I would let them play on my desk and stuff while I write my rants. Truly, cleaning up the little bits of poo may actually capture my attention more than the latest ‘climactic’ True Blood.

Who will be Road Crew now?

I don’t care what sort of sad and angsty music they play in the background. I am not fooled. Hoyt did not go out with me feeling sorry for him. This was basically a sure fire move to fuck over his ex-friend and his ex-girlfriend. And how come he got to keep his emotional development thanks to Jessica – he should be back under momma’s thumb if he didn’t rebel over her. Ah, True Blood, you forget your own canon.

Jason is the Smart One?

Oh dude, could Sookie get even less enthused about anything? You can tell they’ve dumbed her down if Jason is the smart one. And that he’s the smart one comprises of Sookie telling him shit they need to know is in a box under the bed, and stupidJason moves the fucking BED. How seriously thick do you have to be to work out to pull the box out from under the bed? And then all just convenient like, he finds the hollow spot under the bed. Huh, well that wasn’t COMPLETELY FUCKING TRANSPARENT AT ALL.

Then they go to a professor of linguistics, who rushes around to help them. Yeah, I hate to break it to you, but professors require um, appointments. They’re busy people. And they’re unlikely to drop their busy lives to check out some piece of paper some noodlehead brought them. Hell, I’ve avoided phone calls from the press about my subject. I can’t be having with that sort of thing. Not only that, but if you don’t rip a bit off, I’d like to know how that vellum is dated. I’d also like to know how it survived the Louisiana humidity. And if it was written in blood? Should be browner than that, mate.

The whole Warlow being given Sookie? Well, that is probably going to be for some lame reason that no one will ask about. I mean, I’d want a fuckload more than a crappy old farmhouse in the middle of nowhere in order to sell one of my children into being eaten. I fail to see what a vampire could give a fairy that a fairy would want, and why said fairy didn’t pass it down the generations to give these people warning.

Pam’s Hair is Stupid

That was the only thing that struck me of value to her character. She keeps doing stupid things with her hair. Other than that, she may scream less than Ginger, but she’s way more cowardly. I shall proceed to dream of Tara and Ginger ganging up together, staking Pam the useless waste of space she is, and then having an oppression free time. Come on now, it’s clear that Tara doesn’t need anything from Pam she can’t figure out herself.

I’m not clear why anyone comes back to Fangtasia, and what Pam hopes to gain out of keeping the bar open. It’s not money – what do they need money for when they’ve gotten orders to kill people? The whole capitalist system is only useful to the book vampires, who have reasons to play by the rules. Sadly, Pam isn’t Mensa material, so it should take her fucking weeks to work it out. She can just break into shops and steal clothes without having to participate in all this working and earning money. Mind you, no one will really care how fashionable their killer is, and all the European vampires are doubtless eating all the fashion designers in their vamp-up policy, so I’m not sure why she isn’t living it up while clothing is still allowed.

News Flash – Fox News is Far More Obnoxious

Yes, our cable provider provides us with such things. Occasionally, I will even drop into it to find out what the nuttsiest Americans are being led around by the nose to believe. The constant news updates were badly done. The fact that Sookie turned off her television just goes to show that nothing is going on in these news flashes that is riveting at all – even to the people who should be worried.

A 50% spike in vampire attacks should have made more of a big deal, I think. Particularly since these stupid vampires have been killing rallies full of people, and have their own Glamour Squads. Can you believe that 4050 vampires in New Orleans are so fucking ineffectual that they would leave any knowledge of vampire attacks? Unfortunately, I can. I’m not clear why the vampires are keeping public relationships up with the cattle. It’s clear there’s bazillions of them, and they never face consequences for their actions now. What possible reason could they have for hushing up? They want to be liked by the cows? Yeah, that’s going to be just fucking great when that melty face dude is eating babies. Since he’s been absent, chances are he’s currently eating babies somewhere. And True Blood has forgotten he exists at all.

Bill’s Golden Rag Ran Out

So Jessica needs human guards to escort her around now? Since when? I was unaware that they needed to be around her, since they…you know, haven’t been around her. I’m not clear what humans could possibly do to protect her, since she can zip around at the speed of light. But it’s nice to know that Bill hasn’t left any money for her to pay for them with. But then Bill shows why he runs out of money all the time. Apart from all those expensive explosives he had to ship around the world, he also uses the resource heavy way of doing shit. You can call Jessica just by calling her, like you did last season? Good. Then let’s send ten fucking guards to pick her up. Don’t even think of making a goddamn phone call or using your blood to do it for even less money. Christ, this man takes the long and expensive way around stuff, doesn’t he?

Lol, Byzantium

So can the vampires explain why they moved from the centre of the known world when Jesus was born to plant their little sanctuary in god-forsaken America? Yeah, they can’t. It don’t make a lick of sense. America – particularly the South – is far away from shit. It made sense in the books, but I’m not sure it makes sense with these vampires. Considering how modernised they are, and how they have no problems with cell phones and moving temples. I don’t find that particularly realistic by the way. My Dad was 65 when we got a VCR, and he had difficulties coming to grips with it. I always tuned it in for him. I doubt someone like Eric would tap away on his fucking iPhone as soon as the newest release came out. I appreciate that with Book Eric.

I was pissed to see Molly die – and for no real sin either. Eric gets carte blanche to breach security, but Molly is an easily bullied chick, so she has to die? Of course she does. And what’s worse? They’re proving they can get rid of cast members, but just aren’t gonna. I almost groaned at Elijah’s figures of thirty new vampires for Area Five. They should have to pay half of the state to be in the cast in the new season if they follow that one through. Not to mention, Bill and Eric looking all sad at the end of the episode realising Sookie was in danger? What did they think was going to happen to her with thirty new vampires in Area Five – thanks to the directive they issued? And wasn’t Eric always banging on about Sookie being found out? Fuck these two are the stupidest vampires who ever lived. Someone should take them in a room and explain that actions have fucking consequences. And then put them through the Mensa test that Pam failed, and laugh at them when they fail to understand how pencils work.

I really don’t care about Godric – I just want the guy to stay dead already. I’m sick of him popping up every five seconds. He had his time when he was alive to educate Eric – and he did a crappy job of it. Stop trying to tell the guy who and how to be. Although it does go some way to explaining why Pam is an epic failure as a Maker – her Maker is a damn slow learner too. Can’t really expect much about a guy that takes up the offer to deal out death indiscriminately. I mean, what, you thought you’d turned Gandhi, you wanker?

Russell slipping into German accent has got me baffled. Although the actor did it well (he’s good) the idea is a little lame. There were other bad people other than Hitler. You don’t have to recall all of his mannerisms to make your point. And if you understood anything about Hitler, well you’d know he was a real zealot, not one who used it for his own purposes. He unfortunately believed the shit he proselytised to the German people. It’s also lucky now that they’ve destroyed all the Tru-Blood factories they remember the day walking thing, and that they might want to synthesise another type of blood. Smart.

One of the big problems with this show I’m finding, is that the plot is moving slower than molasses. I mean, episode 2, Bill and Eric are taken by the Authority, ten fucking episodes later, they’re still there. Russell is still a bit of a paper tiger too – for all his threats, why does this man bother to explain, when he can just be evil and do? Sookie finds out this week that Warlow still killed the people she loved, but is no closer to the pointless question of “Why?”.  Pam and Tara never leave Fangtasia. I don’t remember being so goddamn bored with everything.

Tune in next week for the most mesmerising hour of tantalising questions. Will Eric ever get the tears out of his eyes in every. fucking. scene? Will the Hoyt shit ever end? Will Salome keep giving directions no one wants to follow? Will Bill ever stop walking around with the dramatic version of “Gud” and tenting his fingers a la Monty Burns? Will Andy be one of the only bright spots, and then say one zinger per episode? Will melty face stay lost out in New Orleans, eating babies? Will Godric come back to nag beyond the grave? Will Nora ever be saved, and if so, will we give two shits? Will plot move forward at any kind of pace? All these questions and more will….probably never be answered, fuckit.

My Recommendation

My next recommendation is Stranger than Fiction. Wonderful movie, and elbly even did an SVM take of it. Don’t be looking for the usual Will Ferrell in it – his humour is toned down from ludicrous parody to a normal, weirdo man. It’s a really interesting story about a guy called Harold Crick who suddenly starts hearing narration that he’s going to die.

What follows is Harold going through the five stages of grief, while trying to track down his narrator – with the most beautiful little love story in there. I will never look at a bunch of flowers the same way again. One of the things that I really liked about this movie was the way that Harold decided what he wanted. When he figured he was going to die, he didn’t steal a bunch of money and run off to live the high life – he went for the simple things he’d always wanted to do, but hadn’t gotten around to.

There are themes in there of what we really value, and why we continue to hold back on pursuing our dreams, thinking “one day” and never getting around to it. Knowing he’s going to die gives Harold a feeling of ultimate freedom – and he breaks free of the carefully ordered world he has created for himself. However, it soon becomes clear that Harold cannot escape his fate – and the true test of character is does he really want to?