Needs MOAR Wang

This week’s highlight of the episode happened on my couch, not on my TV. When Mr. Minty has to look at naked men or wang, and particularly hairy arses, he gets distressed. A great majority of True Blood’s viewership is held to their screens by nudity. So Mr. Minty reeled back at the sight of SMoyer’s butt, ASkars butt, and many other butts. So this week’s opening wang had him going “Argh! Do they have to show that?” When I pointed out this was hypocritical, and that he doesn’t reel back when there’s naked women, he just looked at me like I was huffing something. So I then said “So what’s going to be your reaction to seeing boobs onscreen in future?” Mr. Minty finished the argument with “That there’s not enough of them.” I’m considering making him a desktop with a pair of boobs, and a wang photoshopped between them. So he’s compelled to look, and also horrified to look – see how he likes them apples. I shall report back if I do it.

Each week as the show goes on, I find myself bored with the storyline merry-go-round. Nothing really changes, and they’re not saying much. But at least they’re saying nothing lots. Most of the relationship chat – and there’s such a lot of it – is so empty and devoid of context. None of the characters even move forward and say more – they don’t continue their lives and show the legacy of the effects – they virtually wallow in the past, and with shit I’ve heard already.  But at least I can argue with my husband over pointless shit and plan plans to traumatise him.
Vampires Don’t Take Dumps

So at least I know now – vampires don’t take vampire dumps. I’m beyond bored with the Jason/Jessica/Hoyt merry-go-round. How fucking long has this bullshit been going on already? Holy fucking hell – Tara got over her rape quicker than these thickies can handle a breakup. I just don’t care any more about this whole thing. For the 12389890890th episode in the row (feels like) they’re not moving forward, and they’re angsting over who fucked who and who isn’t fucking who anymore. I do wish they’d share some impact with the rest of the cast. Everyone else forgets, so why the fuck can’t they? Oh right…writers are too damn lazy to write anything new.

It’s like tuning into The Bold and the Beautiful – I did that once, and there was Brooke, Ridge and Taylor angsting over each other, and five years later I tuned in again, and there was Brooke, Ridge and Taylor angsting over each other. Except Taylor was cunningly renamed as Layla and married to a Sheik or something. I don’t know. But I’m not sticking around for Hoyt to become Boyt, that’s for damn sure.

Terry in Peril for a Whole Five Minutes

Yet another storyline that I’m over. If I was concerned (like Joss Whedon, the murderous bastard who really, really killed Quinn damn him) that some of these characters might die, I would be all aflutter…maybe. But this was another time waster of a storyline as well. I’m pretty sure the Ifrit could have had both of the guys – it didn’t need to bargain down to one. Apparently those foreign Muslim women are upset you killed their children up to a point, and then they’re going to make a deal. Because waiting 6 years for revenge is way too long – let’s rush the end and leave the actual murderer alive. Now Patrick’s dead, I hope I never have to hear another fucking word about it. By God I’m an optimist.

The Endless Claud-SomethingOrOthers

One of the fairy traits is seemingly lack of inventiveness when it comes to name preface. Infinite creativity with the participles. I’m waiting for a Claudtastic. I don’t have further speculation on the whole who killed Sookie’s parents – whom have been absent from the storyline for the most part, and are just a transparent way to get Sookie in contact with vampires again. I’d say that they wrote this non-starter because Anna Paquin is pregnant, but Terry, Arlene, Jessica, Hoyt and Jason aren’t, so that’s no excuse.

I don’t know why I still try to apply logic to this fucking show – only that it’s a long borne habit in regular life and reading lots of stories and watching lots of movies. What possible information could Sookie even fucking hope to find out from Bud Dearborn? Why go there in the first place, barring plot device? She knows her parents were killed, and the killer was called “Warlow” or whatever. He did it with his fangs – it’s not going to be distinctive for goodness sake. Unless he left a calling card with name and address that Bud happened to pick up, I don’t see what purpose this had. Some shitty small town cop who couldn’t solve the serial killer case of Rene Lenier – recovering from cancer no less – is not going to be the key to the case. But I comfort myself with the fact that Sookie has a long history onscreen of being terribly stupid, so she doesn’t know any better.

Do Not Be Wary of This Pig Farmer

These dipsticks don’t know anything about feeding people to pigs. And you know, they know about Youtube – so they could have at least looked it up and gotten close with Bricktop’s Advice on how to Feed People to Pigs. It’s really quite simple. We’ve had places here in Australia where they dispose of people on pig farms. You don’t drug the humans though – you should really kill them first. But then you might have to kill people, and Alan Ball can’t be having with that. This cast needs to grow, dammit, GROW.

Bud apparently was under the sway of an evil woman. Since she appeared for like five seconds and had Bud do her dirty work, we don’t know anything about her. I’m sure in the next two episodes, we’ll find out how she was a victim or something and not responsible. Possibly that it’s all due to teasing she endured as a child or something, and how it sent her round the bend. I’ll wait for that one. At this point, her evil is all her own design, and at least she’s not a fever dream like Lilith. Of course, she’s fat, so that’s played off for extra laughs. Maybe they’ll allow her to be evil under her own steam because she’s not conventionally sexually desirable.

I’m not sure why oxycontin works better in gingerale. Surely they could have just made her swallow it without giving it to her disguised? I’ve given pills to cats and dogs – they don’t want to swallow them either – but stroke her neck, and I bet you she’d swallow it. Why didn’t they just knock her on the head? Alan Ball doesn’t remember – there’s no Obamacare there yet – drugs are expensive in the US, Sonny Jim. That’s a fuckload of money to drop on a couple of corpses, in light of those evil supes who tik er jerbs. As an aside – if one Minty family member says this in this house, all the rest will answer with it. We can get stuck in an infinite fucking loop.

I did note in particular – Sam was waving his wang around at that crime scene for a while, uh? Apparently Kenya didn’t mind at all. Although, Sam has one fine arse, so maybe she didn’t. I’m not fooled by them shooting from the waist up, you know. I remember he’s got no pants on. Whew – the view they must have gotten when he ducked down to speak to Sookie. Mr. Minty would have shrieked and turned his face to the wall and moaned “Hairy man arse!”.

When I was a Youngin’ Abdured Meant Something

I forget what they’ve said about being abdured on the show, but I think Debbie was abdured, and this was why Alcide explained he’d forgotten about her. Apparently when Papa gets abdured, you go out and give him bi-monthly lectures about gambling. You don’t stop…you know…talking to him or anything. It’s the Clayton’s form of abduring when it’s Daddy.

I ‘appreciated’ the Twilight-esque jaunty rants by older men to topless boys and the hand holding. As in, I’ve seen this already, and thought it was lame then too. I wanted to scream PUT A SHIRT ON DUDEBRO. Lame – totally lame. Although, since Alcide was making googly eyes at Debbie in his teens, and had been dating her within the last year, how much of a commitment phobe is Alcide, uh? I mean, with the grey in his beard, he’s at least in his thirties. A ten plus year courtship? I’d turn to drugs and cheat too. Fuck.

Time is Not Your Friend

I am wondering how fucking long those weres have been communing in that barn. You can’t tell me that the vampires quite laughably got an attack on a Tru-Blood factory going in under 24 hours. Really – you just can’t. Takes them months to find their arse with both hands. So if we believe the were timeline as presented, the wolves have been in the barn for five days, and if we judge by how quickly vampires can get their shit together, they’ve been in there for a century at this point. Either way, that’s a damn long period of time to spend in a barn, slapping each other’s backs and smiling at each other. I just wouldn’t have time for the amount of commitment it takes to be a were. I just couldn’t spend that amount of time in a barn. I have shit to do that can’t be done in a barn. Children to feed and all that. I need to go to the toilet when no one is slapping my back – breaks my concentration.

All Hail the New Sheriff

Well, Elijah (that’s the name I heard on the ad for next week) looks a lot like Anita Blake’s Jean Claude. Or so I imagine him – albeit with hair down to his ankles (because Anita Blake likes men with ludicrously long hair it takes human women fucking decades to grow). I did feel absolute satisfaction that Pam – for once! – got smacked across the room. She has just been bullying the women in her command for too long for me to feel anything but schadenfreude. And like the bullying coward she is, she doesn’t like a hint of adversity, so she’s going to run and hide. Time to stand on your own two feet – it’s only taken you a fucking century to find out that only your maker will coddle you until you become completely useless and mean, like a junkyard dog.

It’s kinda lucky that someone in charge gave the job to someone else. After all – Pam had what? about 150 bottles of True Blood that she was going to “keep flowing” in order to stop the chaos of people not getting eaten. Since when did Pam care about the rules, for goodness sake? Wasn’t the opening of one of the seasons all about how she didn’t co-operate and play nice with humans, drank only from humans. Oh, but she forgot that’s her entire persona – selfish and stupid and completely devoted to Eric. I hope he calls her a faithful dog when he gets home. Woof woof, Pammy – you’re last year’s news.

No Mutual Neckbiting? True Blood, I’m Ashamed to be Seen With You

All the best fanfic knows you can bite necks at the same time, and yet you’re acting like Bill and Salome have chins. You have CGI for a reason. Use it. Make it happen! I must see what many women have fantasised about – as I have a chin, and can’t achieve this fantasy myself. I’m not sure why Bill has to be involved in Salome’s plans. I’m not clear why she hasn’t taken power of the group. Or why she’s worried she won’t be associated with God-type things for the rest of her life. I’m pretty sure Salome is known in the far reaches of the world. And contrary to her belief, vampires don’t make babies – she’s no one’s Eve.

Since only Russell and Steve have figured out to ask to leave, and Eric isn’t quite that bright, he’s rattling around like a pea in a can, looking for something to do. Of course, he did Nora, and I’m sure he probably did call her cunt, since she wasn’t allowed to call him brother any more. Probably a little too rapey for television to show that. They will need to push the shock boundaries next year, so expect it then. Happy days! The controversy will make up for them going over the same ground, like dogs sniffing each other’s backsides for an hour a week.

As I said, I don’t buy the Tru-Blood factory fires as having been the work of vampires – they’re fucking hopeless. Eric can’t even figure out how to get out of the place, when they’re bringing in humans to eat and letting out Russells to collect were children as pets. And just to show how damn stupid he is, he’s still wandering around asking obvious questions about God, and making it clear he doesn’t believe. How did this man hide he was a vampire for 1000 years? Oh, he must have caused the employment of at least half the Glamour Squad, the fucking numbskull. I can see it now – Roman in a polo shirt bellowing “Northman’s outed us again! Get on that ornamental standing troops! Hang a sign around his neck to say he’s human, would you? Write a note on his hand to hide his existence, that’s good chaps!” Although, he probably doesn’t say chaps, but fuck it, he does now. He’s dead and back on SVU, so it’s cool. He’ll say what I want him to say.

Bill meanwhile, has lost his humanity…yet again. How sad. I haven’t seen this before. Oh, except as a seasonal theme every year. Dogs sniffing their own backsides and howling to the moon that it smells like shit. And boy howdy, does it ever. Bill can’t figure out which side he falls on – but then when has he picked a side and stuck to it? I don’t remember. But at least all those munitions he bought as King of Louisiana can’t compare to the shit-ton of explosives and munitions he’s buying as the new Adam. I don’t know what he’s going to top this with next year. Perhaps a planet-destroying laser, and I’m not sure if they sell them in Guns and Ammo catalogues – I’m blissfully ignorant. Bill will find a way though – he always does when it comes to killing things and having the means to blast something to high heaven.

Like the weres, the vampires can’t leave their rooms – ever. The Authority is the metaphorical barn, and they’ll be wandering around Brooke and Taylor both, desperate for Ridge’s attention Eric and Bill both, desperate for each other’s attention, and the occasional guilting about something to do with Sookie. It’s a late in the season episode, and there’s no tension and I don’t care, and nothing gets done, and nothing looks like happening, except more wandering around the same rooms none of them ever leave. But at least I got coffee and orange cake and unlike True Blood, this angsty period of right now will pass – and I won’t have to post about these exact same fuck ups next week. They’ll bring me new ones – a novel concept that True Blood should try.

My Recommendation

Another great film that I rewatch whenever I catch wind of it. Not popular with lovers of the superhero movies. Hulk with Eric Bana – not the recent remake with Edward Norton. No messages in that one beyond the standard superhero fare, there are deeper messages in this one. It shows legacy in a way True Blood just doesn’t.

This film is all about the legacy of child abuse, and how it can create an emotionally troubled child, who can bottle up his rage until it comes out in a fit of rage, a rage that never goes away. The Hulk literally turns into a toddler, raging that his mother is dead, and that his father was the culprit, and about his abusive childhood. It’s about the father-son relationship, and how a man might choose to be a different kind of man than his father, but all that crap is still there, held back only by force of will. I do believe Bana’s Hulk is the saddest Hulk I’ve ever watched – and I’ve been a fan of the Hulk since I was a child. It really examines what happens in a family when both men are obsessed with the mother – needy for her to serve him in his needs – and the pain that they inflict on each other and her in jockeying for her attention.

Plus, it has the Hulk, smashing shit up. What’s bad about that?

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