Next time, I want SMoyer piggybacking Askars

His long legs hanging over Bill? Worth watching way more. So to the weekly ravings about how much True Blood sucks. I didn’t hear many spoilers this week of substance, beyond What the fuck? It’s hard to say what that sort of spoiler means, really. And unfortunately, it was a direct contrast this week – Breaking Bad Season Five premiered right before True Blood, in whose characters I am totally invested. So True Blood suffered for the comparison, because Breaking Bad is damn good television. I am in love with Gus Fring, who has all the qualities of the best SVM vampires – twisty, manipulative, clever and very measured. Not only that, but Breaking Bad actually deals with disabilities in a good way – while True Blood deals with them without a lick of understanding. If you want to watch a cool fanvid for Breaking Bad to see if you’ll like it, this one is pretty fucking awesome.

The blocking was better this week, but I’m curious now to see whether it’s just an Alan Ball issue. So I’ll have to stick around for the finale. They pulled the shots up tight in Fangtasia so that it didn’t look empty this time. Last week’s director was shit. This is a comparison from last week’s shot – this is a proper shot so that your rooms don’t look half empty and so you can’t see a whole swathe of floor.

Same amount of extras, a damn sight better shot. This is how blocking should be done – but like continuity of story, True Blood is probably going to be shaky on cinematography too.

We shot you, please let us test you

You know, if someone aimed their light rays at my sister, and then wanted to play doctor, I would totally say no. Not Jason Stackhouse though. He’ll let them fire some more light rays at his sister, while she’s unconscious. Good show. Now that couldn’t have turned out badly, amirite?

Then, to top off the magnanimous brother stakes, he tells Sookie that it is in fact, all her fault that her parents died, but he’s kingly enough not to mention it. Barring this once. When he tells her before she feels guilty. But just to tell her that even though it is her fault, she mustn’t think like that. Although he does. But he’s kind enough not to say it out loud. To a telepath. What a giant doucheturd. You could have gone the route and blamed the vampire who killed them for who was at fault, you fucking nitwit. Leaving a bandaid in the car is not a blameworthy act. I’d also like to know how the fairies knew it was a bandaid, and therefore, why they didn’t save the Stackhouse parents. I mean, what, they stood there and watched? So why didn’t the vampire smell them? And what good is it to have them “watching your family for centuries” if they treat it like it’s Days of our Lives combined with Misery where they sneak in to abduct the good ones. This whole stupid story is so fail.

The whole telepathy thing – while it still has elements of a disability type simile – they’re just going to chuck in some stuff about superpowers or something in there. Maybe they’ve run out of trite cliches they can think of to explain why it’s so sad that Sookie has this disability. I can tell you, they have dealt with this in the most hamfisted way possible. As for Sookie’s powers being able to discharge? Ummm….she’s been using telepathy seemingly at her own will for years, and using it to hurt others….surely it would have run out long ago? In truth, I can’t fault Sookie for wanting to get rid of these things – I feel too much sympathy for Book Sookie that she can’t and the whole microwave fingers are stupid, and should be gone anyway.

I also like Sookie’s move of shooting into the sky. Totally stealthy. You know, if they can smell bandaids from 20 yards away, one would think they’d see this doofus’ light show and come a running for the eating before all that delicious Fae blood gets used up. Maybe Sookie’s using it like a supernatural dinner bell. I don’t think they saw it in New Orleans. Otherwise they would have stopped, looked, and run all the way up the state at high speed. You know, classic True Blood vampire behaviour. They do it once every show.

Brian Buckner is a Dingo Lay

True to form, the slut epithets keep on coming. I’m thinking that Ryan Kwanten has probably been shooting his mouth off about the Australian version of slut shaming – that you have to chew your arm off to get away from the woman – known as Dingo Sex. It’s so good that the multicultural bent will allow them to use slut shaming phrases from around the world they think are cool.

I think the stars of this episode were Kevin and Kenya. It’s a pity they don’t have a buddy show instead of the Chauvinist Enema Bags. I would love to see them get together, and maybe with guest appearances by Andy, this could be a good show. Kevin has an adorable accent, and Kenya is just so lovely. I love how she looked at Sam down there on the ground. And I loved Andy with his Jesus tits on Christ remark. The good is few and far between with this show, so I thought I’d mention it.

I’d also like to note that Sam has the best sense of smell ever. Not only can he smell survival mode, but he can tell that rubber smells – or doesn’t smell – distinctly of being made into masks. Maybe because these writers haven’t figured out that those sorts of masks are in fact made out of vinyl, latex or PVC plastic. So Sam is smelling I don’t know what. Maybe he knows the smell of the guy who dispatches masks at the post office. Or maybe he can smell the staples and elastic, so he knows it has to be a mask. Because this is the only thing that could be made out of plastic, metal and elastic – the rarest ingredients in our world.

You gave it away, not “lost” it

I think Hoyt lost his pride when he wilfully learned how to put on eyeliner. Before that point, he was doing okay in the pride stakes. Oh no, but he’s just a victim. Another victim of the careless vagina, who didn’t put her needs over his. How fucking dare she? Jessica really needs to be lectured by some fanfic writers – then she’d learn her place gud.

The whole “hate group” shit would be better served by replacing it with just a whole doctrine that will be read out in the most boring voice ever. I mean, talk about being lectured by the characters. I think if you love True Blood, this is the bit where you should feel truly insulted because they won’t let you draw your own conclusions with carefully nuanced dialogue – they have to have the characters come out of character to say the writers’ stance on things. In such a blunt way too – which means that anyone they were hoping to persuade won’t miss that they’re being lectured. If ever you thought this show was about popcorn for smart people, this idea ruins that entirely. Alan Ball thinks you’re dumb. That’s why he’s telling you things straight out, like it’s Sesame Street, and you’ll go “One hate group uh uh huh…two hate group uh huh uh huh” and so forth.

Meanwhile in the Staring Barn

I don’t know that those werewolves ever actually leave this huge arse barn. They were all in there this episode, like rats in a trap. Apparently this barn is a trapper keeper – once it has a were, he must stay there and stare at other weres, and then pop from room to room saying something pithy. It’s Were central apparently.

It’s nice to see that the Packmaster is psychic and knows that Russell Edgington is out of his prison. Why the weres fear getting in the middle of a war between humans and vampires is beyond me. The vampires will either win and promptly kill their food source, or imprison them; or the humans will win and promptly kill the whole of vampire kind, but for those who sell themselves in the house cleaning business. Eric would look so cute in a maid’s outfit. So really, weres are stupid to pick a side. Really, really stupid. Like almost everyone else on True Blood, so I suppose they fit in well.

From One Bitch Mom to Another

Poor Tara. First she has a dud of a mother for her human life, who abuses her, misuses her and lies to her; and now she’s got a new self-appointed one who abuses her, misuses her and lies to her. Oh yeah, this vampirism is a real change up for her. I suppose that’s why she hugs Pam – something familiar.

And this week’s absolutely crap lie from Pam – that in a hundred years, she won’t remember her mother. Huh. Well Pam remembers the name, face and body of some chick she exploited a hundred years ago, who died with Pam’s tender care and caring. But Tara will forget all about the woman who made her life hell and shaped her? Yeah sure. Notice too how True Blood forgot too that vampires cry those ugly blood tears? Well they did. Maybe only Bill or Eric pull them out for the most sympathy.  You can’t have the sadness not visible on the faces of menz.

I think Pam should note just how much she has in common with Lettie Mae – she’d be pleasantly surprised that she is just as fucking bad. The beat down of the self esteem? Check. The lies that it’ll all get better one day? Check. Embarrassing her in public? Check. Hitting her and neglecting her? Check, check. The mother figure who sees herself as the true victim who must be helped by her child? Check. Really, she and Lettie Mae should get together for coffee and reminisce on how best to beat Tara down. I’m sure when Eric comes back, Pam will do just that – and then we can have a scene where Pam comes and tells Tara that she can’t be associated with her, because it wouldn’t make Eric look good. Tara doesn’t fit Eric’s standard of virgin purity, that’s for damn sure.

Merlotte’s Video Rental Store

Well, since Jessica doesn’t work there any more, and the only other waitress is Sookie, who’s tucked up in bed, who’s waiting tables at Merlotte’s? Come to think of it, who’s cooking stuff at Merlotte’s? FuckyouLafayette is down with his lover’s Dad, Terry is off avoiding being killed by the ifrit – ya know, because he wants to save his family and thus refuses to die in order to save his family. And we know that Sam isn’t there, because he’s currently angsting over a sleeping Luna. No one is getting served in that bar when Holly comes in to chat to Arlene because that’s all the staff of Merlotte’s we’ve seen.

I don’t know why Arlene carries her wedding video in her purse for the dull times at work. Next time she should bring in a copy of her favourite movie or something, make some margaritas behind the bar, and have a little movie session and fuck the customers. There’s only two of them at work. Who would have thought that CH would show her superiority just by keeping Merlotte’s staff roster full. That’s not a very high bar to jump Alan. And yet you missed it. Sigh.

I also don’t know why Sam has a video player in his office. Maybe he watches porn all day. He’d never get caught, because I’m sure he can smell “Intent to come into your office” from fifty metres. That has a smell right? Yeah, it does. You know it. Here am I thinking I like my job – but I would definitely apply for a job at Merlotte’s. You get paid, the boss is never there to see if you’re working – I could tweet and write journal posts all damn day. You’d get sick of me. And when I got bored, I could totally go in the back room and watch a movie. Best. Job. Ever.

The Best Reason to have a Mansion

It’s so you can say “Get the fuck out of my mansion” according to Mr. Minty. This is why I can’t with the online. Mr. Minty in his natural habitat (not in front of my computer that’s for sure – that’s my natural habitat) is a totally hilarious bastard. It was nice that Jason has come around to spread some slut shaming to Jessica. I mean, she doesn’t even know the guy’s name. Because Jason didn’t ask – he just assumed. And he knows best, because he’s all penis having. I wonder if he remembers the name of that woman at Arlene’s wedding. I reckon not.

The whole thing – yeah – it was gross that she kissed him with someone else’s blood on her mouth. It seems that Jessica didn’t like her property being fed off and sullied by Tara last episode, so I think Jason’s complaint was valid, even if he’s a horrible arsehole – the permanent real, never to be closed hole in Jason. Jessica made a shit analogy though – because I’m pretty sure vampires arc up if you drink V. And that’s what humans seem to do – and what Jason has done. Would she think he was a stand up guy for coming round to her place with the blood of Bill on his lips for a little kissy face? Yeah, I’m betting she wouldn’t like that. It’s good to see that Bill’s predator bullshit (that he also tried to sell Sookie on the show) filtered down to Jessica so she doesn’t even think about etiquette, politeness or you know communicable diseases humans can catch and vampires can’t. Who’d like a lip full of Hep B? Anyone?

Sam the Stupid Shifter

Really, I enjoy seeing something of a friendship in Sam and Sookie. And she’s calmed the hell down for a few episodes. But everyone knows it’s only when bangable vampire enema bags come in her vicinity that she just turns into a walking joke or valued piece of property for them. So I’m reserving judgement on that. All this backbone and sensible behaviour? Yeah, it’ll probably be gone the minute one of the favoured enema bags come visit.

Sam’s speech about how he’s so tired of fighting…fighting what? The oppression a seemingly regular guy who few people know his secret? Seriously – if one piece of hate gets him giving up, even if it’s being shot, then he’s doing badly at this whole oppression thing. He’s like a whole heap of white guys out there – one thing happens to set them off course, one bad thing – and they think it’s the end of the world. I mean, Jesus. Tara has been brutalised by life for well….her whole life. One bad thing happens to Sam and he’s ready to give up trying to change people? Must be so hard to be a socially accepted business owning white man with free time on your hands and money to spare. And in case he forgot, his ability to shift hasn’t actually killed anyone. In fact, that’s how he bought Merlotte’s, right? By robbing people by using his shifting abilities? Yeah, his life is tough. It’s all about the oppression.

Godric – Vampire Narcissist

So, Russell, predictably, suffers from the same stupid disease of not killing people who would fuck him over. Remind me why anyone should be scared of him again? Yeah, you shouldn’t. Eric is in no real danger, and Russell – well, Eric doesn’t mind that Russell killed his family. It’s all water under the bridge. Now they’re mates. Of course.

I love how the Enema Bags have become such Mary Sues – ask a question like “Are you a Sanguinista?” and people just tell you – like Molly. If you ask, and you’re the darling of the director, they will tell you the truth. You don’t need silver torture and all this other mess. Not only that, but the very person you need to question will sit right outside your cell, convenient like. Of course, it should be relatively obvious that they don’t really care about why the iStake didn’t go off. They just dropped it when they found out Molly didn’t do it. She could happily appear on the Kenya and Kevin hour by the way. She’s cute.

How come it wasn’t mentioned up until now that Salome was married to Russell? Why is she now the “grieving widow”? And did Eric and Bill know they were fucking Roman’s wife? Really? I’ve heard of hospitality to guests, but even Gran would say that’s fucking ridiculous. How does it work that she thought sleeping with them would get them to reveal their secrets? If she’s married to Stabler, then surely, she’s fooling no one because her loyalties are not divided. Roman was really, deeply stupid if he couldn’t work out that his wife wouldn’t get the truth out of them. Or maybe the Chauvinist Enema Bags naturally assume that if there’s a woman in the room, in power, she must be the kept piece of property of a man, who is truly powerful. Now she belongs to no one, so they can mouth off to her, despite the fact that she’s double Fuckup 1’s age, and almost triple Fuckup 2’s age. A woman is no real threat – she doesn’t have a penis, so who cares what she thinks of you.

I love how Eric can’t let Nora call him brother while they’re fucking. That’ll put a dent in their sexytime talking. What will he call her now? Cunt? Yeah. Probably. It’s good to see she’s following the same old trope of what a woman does when she hears a man is having a bad time – she grovels and tries to show him how much she loves him. I also love the added layer of how she’s all just delusional and fooled. Like Marnie, or Sookie, or Tara when they’ve been evil. Yeah, men choose it. Women are just way too stupid to do bad things, right? Luckily, we’ll get a whole heaping side order of Eric reforming yet another silly woman who doesn’t understand what she’s doing is wrong. *PMR sets forth a feeble yaaay….*

The Authority was created to protect the blood? Then why does it have dominion over vampires? Why isn’t it called the Protectorate? Why didn’t it actually protect the blood? Why are they sharing it with – not the good workers who stand in ornamental formations, or the dedicated iStake maintenance woman – but the arseholes they find in prison? Including a couple of arseholes that can’t do anything right, want to kill Russell, think Lilith is a crock of shit, and go round sneering at all these vampire sluts they’ve fucked? Ooooh….right….the Mary Sue factor. I’m not sure why they all tripped out. I suppose it indicates that the Lilith blood really is special and divine from God. Way to fail at the idea Alan. I mean, shouldn’t it have been revealed as a sham – like all religions – since religions are bad? Particularly since a couple of unbelievers were there – perfect opportunity to actually show your desired theme that religion hypnotises people into thinking that they don’t have responsibility. But no, you fucked it again by including non-believers, suggesting that the blood has actual qualities that change the vampires.

I’m sure half of all the WTF spoilers I heard were some who were like “OMG Eric is killing people” – that one can’t seem to get through the noggin – see, he’ll kill people if it personally impacts him. And they were trying to run screaming, so that gives him a reason. They bumped into him, so it’s raping and killing time. He said that last week. Let’s not be outraged here. The other half is why Bill and Eric are being shown as acting like this religion bit is any different. I mean, last season they couldn’t live and let live with some witches who were offending them by acting how they wanted in the privacy of their own club. This really isn’t any different from the poor horn tooting guy.

Finally, I’d like to point out that Godric is a self-concerned narcissist – or at least Eric imagining Godric that way is. Yeah, let’s not stop the guy who’s eating that kid in the corner – let’s educate the little lady. That does reflect badly on him after all. Who gives a shit about the poor kid? Let’s save fucking Nora’s soul and edu-ma-cate her with what it’s like to be a man and know right from wrong…and still eat people…and still proclaim yourself a victim. What a prince!

My Recommendation

Now to an actual vampire movie – Fright Night. Not the one from the 80’s. The recent remake with Colin Farrell. If it needs more recommendation than mine, then one of the writers is Marti Noxon – who was a pivotal writer on Buffy the Vampire Slayer. So you can be assured that there’s some thinking outside the box and some snappy dialogue we all loved on Buffy. If you haven’t watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer, then you my friend are missing out in a big way.

The underlying themes in this are all about family, how we construct family – the vampire version or the human version. It’s a sort of coming into manhood type movie – about the development of the male lead on what sort of man he wants to be. Not only that, but it’s all about the evils we find in suburbia. It’s a fantastic metaphor for the idea that there is evil under the veneer of civility, and how increasing and transient population can lead to evil going unnoticed. Evil is no longer out there on the highways, it’s buying that nice two bedroom house next to you and thinking about eating your mother. It’s not – for example – encouraging you to see how non-evil it is by picking hicks in a karaoke bar you’re happy to see die. It’s really actually evil stuff, and victims you want to save, not verging on torture porn ideals.

On top of all that good stuff, this vampire is scary, and the ways of fighting him are as innovative as Buffy’s ways. Colin Farrell (who plays the vampire) really shows you that True Blood vampires have been pulling their punches, and don’t know what motherfucking ruthlessness means. You want to get to someone, a house is no damn barrier.