I Think AB Wants Us to Buy Budweiser

Well, this week was a good week to watch this stupid show. Because this was the episode that Alan Ball wrote. It gives an insight into what he thinks is important. So let’s see how illogical he can get, and his special wimmen hatin’ skills. One thing I’m noticing – particularly with this episode, is the lack of appropriate shot and blocking. For those of you who don’t know what blocking is, it’s where you get actors to stand – so that the shot looks full. Very important for theatre plays – so that you don’t stand in front of major characters. Except that the blocking has gotten really bad. Rooms look mostly empty because the shots aren’t tight enough:

That’s a fuck of a lot of floor I’m seeing – in a bar that’s supposed to be lucrative. I’m surprised the bar is still up and running – because this crowd is what? Fifteen people crowded around the action? Oooh – place is jumpin’. That’s not the only problem – it’s not even good filming any more. From a technical standpoint, the imaginings are lame. I mean, glamouring two people in the same room, and we’re not supposed to believe that they heard stuff; to the werewolf pack sitting around watching the packmaster necking with his favourite chickie in a barn because that’s their favourite night time activity; to the minute long branding of fucking Budweiser during Terry and Arlene’s scene:

They won’t be winning any awards for cinematography, that’s for damn sure. Good thing they gave up on getting awards for fucking writing, right?

Fangtasia, Where You Can Hear a Pin Drop

What the fuck is going on at Fangtasia? Why is this bar so terribly dead – is it because these stupid vampires have stupid fights every five minutes? Pam must be the shittiest manager in the tri-state area. Seriously – what, do she have a tinny radio playing in the background? How are all those harsh lights conducive to the rampant bar activity screamed out by Pam – the main Fangtasia drawcard of dry-humping. True Blood seemed to decide to spend less on extras, the cheap bastards. Tara’s getting dragged around and fighting Jessica, and there’s like five people looking at her in the background, and you can hear really well. If you ever wondered why people would prefer a fairy bar? Because Fangtasia has the party atmosphere of a fucking library. A well-lit library.

I do hope Pam dies in a fire sometime soon. The dog comment – along with the rest of Tara’s journey is just fucking wrong. I’m sure AB was up nights wondering how he could really make Tara the bottom of the heap after the abduction and rape by Franklin Mott. So he figured he’d liken her to a dog for the most worthless female vampire he could think of. Good job, mate. It’s not at all obvious at all, that you’re deliberately degrading the only woman of colour featured regularly on the show. I mean, Jason gets raped, goes on to be a police officer and someone calls him a champ. Tara gets raped, and now you have her wanting to kill herself, but alas, she’s caught as the slave dog to a white woman. I also think AB heard about how a whole heap of women fans like Pam (as almost all bookies seem to – never seen one who liked the books and hated Pam) and figured he’d take a huge dump on her character, just to show us we were setting our admiration on the wrong fucking gender.

Let’s Stick it to Doug

Okay, for a start, Bill and Eric just don’t have any actual idea about brevity. Bill just had to mention how they got to places? Really? Let’s tell the Authority the absolutely essential detail we travelled here in a van. Yep. And that we brought Doug with us. I mean, yeah, let’s throw poor old Doug to the wolves. I think all three – Bill, Eric and Sookie – mentioned Doug about four times. Which means that they really know they’re sticking it to Doug.

Kibwe (the African Authority member – I had to Google it) then loads all those people into a van to slaughter them. Ooookay. That doesn’t really make any sense unless everyone except Roman is a Sanguinista. I mean, aren’t these the mainstreaming vamps? And why did he load them into the van to kill them? He was aching to give the ornamental standing squad a van to spray out? That seemed to be epically stupid really. Way to tie all that evidence to a van owned by the Authority. Christ these people are chumps. Stupid chumps that make unnecessary messes too.

It’s not as if they couldn’t just kill these people and dump them with the rest of the bodies at the asylum that Russell had been eating. No – I’m sure, they’ve got to make shit complicated. Let’s kill them in the van, dribble a trail of blood all the way back to Headquarters, then dump the bodies somewhere else and spray out the van. Alan Ball is officially too fucking stupid to get away with any murder. I’m unclear why they had to die. Unless Kibwe is a member of the Republicans and believes in less governmental waste, and is wanting to get rid of the unnecessary 4500 or so vampires in the glamour squad and save the public purse. So he decided to put them out of a job by killing all their work product. I don’t know. This bit didn’t make any sense.

What the Fuck is Wrong with Eric and Bill?

You said it wolfie. That’ll make up for your passive aggressiveness. First it was Eric not killing Russell, and then Bill. Of course, then the Authority broke in, and Bill – quelle surprise! – revealed that if they played their cards right, they might not get killed. I know I was on the edge of my seat. Tension really well built – particularly since Alan Ball can’t seem to kill any of the cast – just grow and grow and grow it. Come to think of it, this is probably why he’s skimping on extras. For fuck’s sake – Godric died in Season 2, and yet he still pops up, and so does Jesus. The payroll for this thing must be fucking staggering. I wonder if the fucking ghost of Tommy will be showing up some time soon too. But we all know Bill and Eric can’t die, even after all their bosses know they’re complete arseknuckles who need constant monitoring so as not to fuck up.

I wonder how many sexy dreams Alcide is going to have of Eric now. I do hope so, because I think at least a couple of fangirls will die from the strain of incessant masturbation. We’ll know, because they’ll start bragging about those orgasms where you pass out, and then they’re one step away from a serious stroke. 😀 Fanfic and romance novels have led these ladies to believe it’s a good thing if you pass out from an orgasm. So they will think there’s nothing wrong, all the while that embolism is a ticking time bomb. Trust me – I know people who work in the Coroner’s Office.

I hated Eric’s speech. Protecting Sookie with his life? Way to get Alcide killed – for what, the offence of coming after you? What do you need to have ten casual fucks on Sookie before you let her even think of moving on? Or is it that the other pig mentioned sloppy seconds, and now you’re concerned? Ugh. I’ve come to hate both of these enema bags. Seriously. Bill was up to form, with his wonderful speech about a normal life. Hmmm. I wonder if he would say that to someone in a wheelchair too – “I know you can’t walk, but all I wish is that you could get up and walk again, like you deserve”. That had to be the most insensitive and hurtful thing he could say to Sookie – like ever.  On the “Stupid, Hurtful Trite Score of how to disregard the disabled, point out what they can’t have, and then say that they ‘deserve’ better – like a disability only happens to the mean and ugly” Alan Ball scores 99 out of 10. I wonder if Alan stands at the tops of stairways laughing at the people who don’t have ramps to get to the top. I think he probably does.

Luna’s Sadly not Dead

These guys are good enough to shoot two shifters sitting around eating dinner, but they can’t kill Luna and Sam while they’re lying on the ground? I call shenanigans. This is such bullshit. Meanwhile, I’m glad they had that “touching” custody discussion in front of Emma. Luna is such a bad mother – what with her “not much of a choice” speech in front of her daughter. She’s such a fail. I think maybe even if Grandma is a criminal cannibal, then she deserves this kid by not trying to alienate her from her mother in front of Emma. Disgusting. But then, she’s the chick who relaxed because her boyfriend told her to last season, even though her daughter was missing. Looks like said kid is just a crutch for her vendettas. Way to portray motherhood in a great light, AB.

Then of course, he had to have Terry show the right way to protect your family – by letting them go. Okay, so he wasn’t thinking so clearly when the ifrit wanted to burn him up, and ran away before. I’m just filled with tension knowing he’s going to be okay. I mean, I think he might be at risk of a good scare. Or at least fearing a good scare. AB cannot kill his darlings, and so there’s no wondering if there’s any danger. Groan. I’m sure Patrick will be a regular next year. Fuck.

Fairy Stripclubs – where exposition goes to breed 

I swear – every single time that Sookie or Jason go to a fairy stripclub it’s like infodump time. They never actually watch the dancers – they only ever turn up and get told information to drive the plot. At least it’s pretty, but it’s like the information booth. This time we found out that they really truly, truly, truly are doing good for Hunter, how Sookie’s parents died.

So how come every time Sookie gets her period, there isn’t a vampire feeding frenzy? You know – if you can smell a spot of blood from 20 yards away, through the rain, then surely you should be able to smell Sookie’s period in Shreveport. I don’t know why only Bill and Eric have tried to date her – she should have suitors up the wazoo if the smell is that strong and alluring. That whole scene was just silly as hell. Sadly, because it’s Sookie hate and hurt season, and it damages both men and fangirls to think of Sookie sleeping with someone else (she has to be in a mylar bag for Eric and Bill because they just don’t do sluts because of mancooties that mess up their bitches) so I’m sure she’ll be kept pure for the menfolk that ‘deserve’ her by loving her. But only if she’s not a slut – you can’t love those nasty slut women who sleep with men willynilly like Nora and Salome. Even if they sleep with their sisters and bosses, that Sookie better stay pure as the driven snow.

Stabler Matches the Couches

So it’s nice to see that Roman colour co-ordinates with the furniture. And that, as fucking predicted, he’s now lauding Fuckup 1 and 2 – or as I like to call them, giant enema bags full of chauvinist backwash – the “conquering heroes”. What the fuck is heroic about actually doing your job a year too late? I don’t know. Roman isn’t into efficiency, that’s for sure. No wonder the entire vampire world is full of fuckups.

I would also like to know what magical process keeps 18th century haemophilia blood fresh for 2012. That’s what I’d like to know. I don’t think there’s a can of peaches that hasn’t exploded for that long. I’m sure one of the glamour squad/ornamental standing squad is sneaking around drinking all the good stuff, and refilling all of these vials, and probably spitting in them. Because Roman has no clue about the Lilith blood, and no clue that 18th century blood in a jug is going to be all fucking gone. Actually, I bet you could probably sell that chump all kinds of shit – because he really thinks that this stuff can last without refridgeration, preservatives, or hermetic seals. He is such a dumbarse. Seriously.

Not only that they really could have served from picking up a Bible to check their quotations were right. Roman said something about Exodus 4:19, and how they’re banished to night without end. Or something. That’s not what my Bible says. In mine, God tells Moses to go back to Egypt. You know, if you’re not going to use the actual Bible, could you not randomly throw in some real reference? I mean, the Bible has plenty of shit to condemn it. Or do the viewer the favour of not making it sound legitimate and use some bullshit “Book of Lilith” quote that’s obviously made up.

As for Eric’s little speech – well that sounds good – but Eric is only a pacificist when the affairs of humans don’t personally impact him. Which means that a mainstreaming vampire, living amongst humans is totally fine with the whole rape/murder/torture thing. So if you steal a carpark from this enema bag, he thinks it’s fine to rape you. See? I told you Roman was a dumbarse. Eric’s promise means nothing. Absolutely nothing.

It’s really quite sad that Roman died – he seems to be the only vampire who actually followed the mainstreaming rules. The only beings he’s killed are vampires – unlike everyone else. The only place he’s drunk from is a bottle. Like a good vampire citizen. So Alan Ball has taught his moral lesson well – Roman actually lived up to the mainstreaming ideal. Killing no humans, co-existing peacefully by trying to kill Russell Edgington, and by turning a preacher who know waxes lyrical about how freeing it is to now come outta the closet for all the bum fun he can muster. Yep, I’m so worried about theocracies now. You betcha.

I think I’m supposed to side with Russell (who’s already doing his evil howler monkey from the rooftops routine, with total kill count being so far – what – six? Oooh hella scary.) that being honest is good. Aahhh…but Russell tells us his plan is to eat people and generally cause mayhem. The Sanguinistas want to kill people, torture people and rape people, much like Russell. Roman just wants to wander around rooms making speeches. Sure, in government, Roman would be useless at getting things done, but overlords who do nothing is a fuckload better than overlords who try to eat people. This moral lesson failed hard. Like – the hardest ever. And this is all on AB since he wrote this stupid episode.

Survival Mode

The whole shifter plot is damn stupid. That magical thinking that Russell is going on about? That’s what AB is using for the shifter plot. How did the humans know that the shifters are in fact, shifters. If they’re targeting them, they should know. We know Sweetie des Artes knew because she was bitten by a bitten were, and afflicted herself. But these humans seemingly know that shifters are shifters just by looking at them.

Also, since we’re talking about magical thinking, this is my visual representation of the ludicrous scent of “survival mode”:

I’m sure there’s a new men’s deodorant soon coming out in that scent. Since you’ll need it with all the Budweiser AB wants you to drink.

My Recommendation

This time I’m going to recommend a fantasy/horror television series I’ve been watching that’s actually good. American Horror Story. I could go with Game of Thrones – which I also watch, but I haven’t heard much in the fandom about American Horror Story, yet lots of people are watching Game of Thrones. I want to recommend Breaking Bad too, even though it’s not fantasy or horror, but still, I’m going to sneak it in here.

What’s really interesting about this is that the focus on relationships is standard series fare. But even more interesting is the idea of the afterlife, and how ghosts come to be. There’s no definitive answers on anything – and that’s one of my favourite ghost themes – there’s no theory to describe why they are there and what they’re supposed to do. The house in this story acts like a trapper keeper.  No one is given an instruction manual on how to deal with the supernatural requirements, no overarching story about why they’re there. It plays nicely on the idea of all the evil human beings can do that leaves them behind, and what we can handle. It also doesn’t do too bad on the idea of secrets we try to bury coming back to bite us in the arse even worse.

It does really great for moral lessons (a big feature in all fantasy/supernatural) – who should be the person to forgive a criminal, is it right to punish someone for one crime, should you use someone for gain? You’ll find a plethora of carefully guided ideas in there. You won’t end up with a morally ambiguous idea at the end, or a nihilistic view of “It’s all fucking stupid except that guy you killed was probably the least violent one so far, even with his ranting” when you come to the end.

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