Born to Greatness…with a Long Line of Stupids

Now for those of you who do not have me on some kind of alert, and just browse your way here – this week’s book subject post went up moments ago. This is the I hate True Blood post, wherein you can rage, laugh, and do quite a bit of contrariness swearing. Not that swearing isn’t always welcome on this Livejournal. ūüėõ I was severely delayed this week due to outside factors – birthday cake and such.

I do believe this week, I came the closest to not watching this show any more. I think if the trend of tonight’s show continues, I may actually give this up as a bad job. It was like reading one of those awful fanfics – you know, where you’re stuck in Sookie, Eric or Pam’s heads, and they hate women, like, as a general thing? Well, they’re my least favourite fanfics anyway – the ones where I have to read all about how women suck, how Sookie is useless and sucks, but for some inexplicable reason Eric wants to be with her, and half, if not all of the women are called whores, sluts etc.¬†That was the entire subtext of True Blood last week, and this week it got worse. Ugh. I anticipate that this theme will be picked up by the writers of fanfic with great gusto and glee – it’s right down¬†their alley.

Fuck you Lafayette, and the horse you rode in on

Oh, so now it’s only Sookie who has to bear the brunt for the whole Tara decision? I do believe she merely persuaded you not to kill Tara – there was no forcing. I do hope if Sookie gets a time machine, she goes back in time and leaves your arse in the Fangtasia basement. Where they weren’t interested in turning you, or keeping you alive. And then I hope you really appreciate that. Not only that, but when she goes back in time, I do so hope she leaves you and Tara to Marnie’s tender mercies. Yeah, that’s right – I hope you find out just how useful the “Angel of Death” has been to you. Arsehole.

Sookie may be a deeply silly girl, but I don’t like seeing deeply silly girls blamed for shit that isn’t all their fault. Nor did I like the theme of generally hating on Sookie. I think this is the first time Alan Ball has kicked Sookie around enough that I do actually want to stand up for her – much like I do with Ginger. Ginger is silly too, but that doesn’t give anyone the right to make her a punching bag. And will you look at that? Two girls made the punching bags – what a lovely theme you’ve got going on there, AB, you giant jerkoff. I hope you zip up too soon you arse, and spend an hour of fear trying not to pinch anything and get your zipper right. I really, really do.

The Fall of Sensible Andy

Well, someone also hates the Bellefleurs. Andy got the award last week for being the most sensible guy. But that didn’t last long now, did it? Apparently this week’s writer hates his guts. I suppose they could have been going for comical, but mostly, they’re hitting the “That’s sad and lame” note.

What “rat” would Andy have found in the Pelt case? The rat of “We found Debbie’s car” or the rat of “Debbie’s missing” or “Debbie had a boyfriend”? I don’t know what the fuck Andy was thinking about how the Pelts were putting him off because he found a rat…because he hadn’t found diddly squat. Certainly nothing that would qualify as a “rat”. He barely knew anything.

I also despise the series running theme. That Judge telling Andy all about how he couldn’t solve his other “problems” if Andy “ain’t a gynaecologist”. It’s so nice to hear that the Judge’s deeply stupid and reckless son can’t even figure out how to put on a condom, and yet it is those slutty women who are the “problems”. I know who the real problem is – and I hope the Judge’s son wraps his car around a telephone pole next time he’s speeding past a school.

The Authority – where you can’t tell your arse from your elbow

So, not only do the Authority conveniently drop Bill and Eric at an indiscriminate bit of road, but Bill has a car waiting there for him. And how did that car get there, since the Authority abducted Tweedlechauvinistpig and Tweedledum from Bill’s house? Which one of them has a blood tie to the car that they can detect where it is? Does the Authority provide cars for fuckups on a regular basis since Bill had the blip-blip thingie (sorry – don’t drive, don’t own a car, don’t know the name – it just goes blip-blip) for it? All of these questions – and more – will never be answered by True Blood.

The story of the Authority is all over the road – like a car that fuckyouLafayette has cursed. One of the chancellors tells the other chancellors that they can’t disparage the book around Roman. And then Roman spends quite¬†a bit of time disparaging the book and the sacred stick thingie. I also think that the writers have severely misinterpreted the Bible too, thanks to this quote from Nora:

“I am not Job. I accept my fate.”
We’ll Meet Again, 5×04

The whole point is that Job accepted his fate. You know – if you’re going to quote scripture, the fucking least you could do is check out if you’ve got the right end of the stick. Job accepted everything that God threw at him. Which is why God rewarded him. Man, am I ever glad I read the Bible out of sheer pigheadedness and wanting to argue. I see through the shitty application of “Googling it” that stupid writers throw in there. And I don’t buy the idea that the vampire bible is all topsy turvy on this stuff – they stuck to the story of the Bible’s Salome – they didn’t rewrite that for vampire Opposite Land.

Half the Bookcase and now you ask?

If you’re searching for something, brain trust, it might help to ask what you’re searching for before you tear apart the bookcase. Even better, Bill might actually think to tell her they’re looking for something very small. It’s funny how looking for things works that way. I’ve yet to start searching my house, and then find out when I’ve done half the room that, no, it’s not an elephant, and it’s unlikely to be in a book…it’s a bug.

I was glad to see that Bill thought it was a bug – when he mentioned his biggest fucking security leak to date – the mythical staff who keep his floors shiny. We’ve never seen them, but apparently Bon Temps is brimming with people who are dying to clean up the messes these two knuckleheads make, and then plant more bugs. I mean, if I worked for some little vampire upstart who let her friends spew all over the porch, I would certainly be amenable to planting bugs. It must be so comforting and safe to know that while Jessica is dead for the day, the staff are wandering around the house, doing as they please. Unless the poor old Shreveport Glamour Squads have to clean Bill’s house for him.

I’m also hoping that with the new guilt trip she laid on Bill about Sookie that she hauled her own arse over to Sookie’s to grovel some. After all, last time they spoke, she pushed Sookie around and blamed her for breaking Bill’s heart. And what, now she’s one of the good guys? I don’t think so. Last Sookie heard, Jessica hates her too. So grovel away Jessica, instead of pushing Bill into doing it. Real grownups say they’re sorry. Particularly if they learn that perhaps the break up was because he drained her and let her get beaten, and was there to sell Sookie to the Queen.

Field Strip Clubs

I did actually think that the fairy strip club was really gorgeous. I love the streamers of red coming down from the ceiling. I’m not sure that their business model is working. Being an invitation only club? That’s not going to make money. Although I suspect that the fairy club doesn’t want a lot of profit, and is merely there to harvest the sperms¬†and make more fairies.¬†I also now wonder what the hell Claude was buying at some small town store that they wear there. A nice twinset for older ladies perhaps? I don’t know.

Apparently they’ve forgotten that Jason has a bloodtype, and decided to throw him in with the whole fairy thing. I was happy to see Hadley there – and I’m sure vampires did kill Sookie and Jason’s parents. My money is on Russell – and this will be why Sookie has to go and scream at him or whatever, under the guise of saving the world. Can’t have been Bill – he was on his slow and torturous infiltration of a faction, or whatever the fuck he was doing in the eighties when he had that punk hairdo, and he likes to farm his blood supply he tells us – not use them up. Can’t have been Eric – I’m sure somewhere a prostitute was in danger, and he had to swoop in and save them.

Alan Ball Tries for Admission to the Fanfic Writers’ Guild

It’s Sookie hate season. And if ever there was a doubt – it’s Sookie who is the target for a metric ton of shit. Half of which she definitely doesn’t deserve. I don’t like the way that they’ve taken all of Sookie’s teeth out – I’ve made that quite clear, I’m sure. But this episode, I was filled with rage. If this trend continues, I’ll be quitting the show, I swear. Not only have we got fuckyouLafayette and Tara going on, but we’ve got all the patrons of Merlotte’s with the most degrading telepathy session they could design.

On top of that, good old passive aggressive Alcide continues the hate-on with “Your goddamn mess” referring to Debbie. Fuck you pal – it’s half your goddamn mess. Alcide knew – in the books and the show – that Debbie had a tendency to be psychotic. What did he do to try to protect people from Debbie going batshit? Concentrate on Sookie. He could tell – because of the words out of Debbie’s mouth – that he was agitating her. And still he concentrated on Sookie. So if Debbie went psychotic, and Sookie shot her, then really, at least part of that clusterfuck is Alcide’s fault. He had Sookie’s measure, and Debbie’s measure. He’s not some blameless innocent.

I see that Alcide now has suitor music – accompanying the¬†line of bullshit he spun to the Pelts. And as we see towards the end of the episode, Sookie will be getting it on with him in the near future. And I think Eric can go sit and rotate on his assessment that Sookie is “recovering nicely”. Yeah, not as quickly as your old fella recovered though – am I right? But you judge her arsehole, like she’s somehow wrong to do as she’s done, but you somehow have rights to put your hurt feelings into someone else you call sister. Maybe Sookie should have called Jason over and then it would have been suitably angsty and valid to Eric, now part of Tweedledumber the chauvinist bromance couple. Only men get to do that sort of thing, amirite?

As an aside – it occurred to me. Sookie really has it made. My house – is rented in my name, same if I owned it. That means all the bills get sent to me. Which means that Eric “The Bright Spark” Northman is paying for all of Sookie’s bills! You can’t get your electricity connected without the houseowner doing it. So Sookie is living rent free, with nothing to pay for. If she goes into Merlotte’s every so often, then she can pack all the stuff she can steal from Merlotte’s into her car, and eat for weeks. Sam is never going to notice. She can turn all the lights on, do as she likes, and Moneybags Northman will foot the bill. I’m thinking Sookie should take advantage – get herself the most expensive cable programs she wants on Pay-Per-View, and have five hour long hot showers a day. Now if she can only get that arsehole to pay for a new car, well then, she’s got it made. Leave it in his name, stick that bastard with the petrol bill!

Part of the Royal We

Last on my agenda for stupid is Pam. Oh man, she took the cake for stupid this time. We defeated Russell? Really? Fucking WE? Which was the bit we did? The bit where we stood back and watched Sookie get bitten? The bit where we bugged Eric for a plan? The bit where RUSSELL IS STILL ALIVE AND UNDEFEATED. Oh yeah, we were such a rousing success, weren’t we? We all stared at the television monitor watching someone else do it? We ordered Sookie then to pull¬†them inside. And then we stayed kicking Ginger in the face while someone hauled him off to bury in concrete. You sure do take credit for doing nothing Pam. How quickly we forget we had no part in it beyond obser-fucking-vation.

The releasing ceremony will be sure to make it into fanfic – so now I won’t have to go “Where the fuck did this bullshit come from?” I’ll just mutter to myself “Fucking True Blood – wrong section, dimwit…there’s a True Blood section in case you forgot” and other curses on Alan Ball’s name, and the author’s canon wrongness. Just like I do when there’s a Godric or a throne in Fangtasia.

I didn’t find the scene touching at all. It was way too over the top. Pam hasn’t actually earned any of my sympathy – I don’t think that hers and Eric’s relationship is really sweet – I think it’s incredibly sick. As I’ve pointed out before, Pam’s job is to stand behind Eric, and there’s nothing cute about the complete devotion she shows to Eric – as a woman who has a sixteen year old son who is more fucking capable than Pam at making his way in the world (and a fourteen year old who would look like I asked him to jam his dick in a door if I suggested he stand behind me, pandering to me) Eric has completely stunted his child, and completely screwed his job as a Maker.

So at the point that Eric said she was “born into greatness”. Would that be the greatness of “I own a tourist bar in Shreveport run primarily by someone I consider brain damaged and unworthy, and I’m soon to die” or would that be the greatness of “I am King of the Shitstorm Sweepstakes and a windy shithole somewhere up North¬†and continually screw politics up left-right-and-centre”? Perhaps the greatness of being the progeny of “Fuckup One” as he’s known to the Authority. What part of greatness is it that Pam’s been born into? Jesus fucking Christ – Godric didn’t make it above Sheriff of¬†an Area, and lost his will to live. It took Eric one thousand years to figure out which vampire murdered his parents, and then fail to defeat him (because he’s back stupidEric). And Pam – one hundred years and still afraid of her own shadow. Can’t even get three witches to behave themselves. Greatness my arse.

So, while I listened to this overwrought and overdramatic piece of crap, I rolled my eyes – hard. And looked at Mr. Minty. He smirked at me and said “I see tears. Don’t hide that it upsets you.” and that made me laugh. I missed the rest of the crap they said, but loved the laughing. It would have all been overly romantic guff about how much they want to kiss each other’s arses, and how wonderful they both are – the man with a Kingdom of nothing, and the suicidal vain creature he spawned. They are – as I would have said in my youth – legends in their own minds. And nowhere else.

In the history of the Great Delusion Eric and Pam have going on now, Pam tells Tara that humans can’t hurt her now. I’m pretty fucking sure I saw humans hurting vampires. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen witches hurting vampires, friends spraying Tara with silver, humans staking vampires, humans frying vampires in the Sun, humans cursing vain women with skin rot, humans draining vampires. But let’s make believe that all vampires are powerful now. Ugh. So fucking stupid. But way to pass on the confidence and stupidity to a new generation. I think that these three tossers would make for the realisation of a great saying by one of our politicians – “It’s a conga line of suckholes” – continuing the stupid way into the future.

My Recommendation

I’ve been steeping you in blood, but now for one that has no blood. For those of you without strong stomaches and blood drenching love, like the elbly. Meh, what can I say? Criminologist. Not a shrinking violet. ūüėÄ So this week’s recommendation is The Fountain. The only blood might be because the male lead is a¬†researcher in one of his incarnations, and I¬†just remember him scrubbing his hands a lot.¬†I will say that while the film had me weeping at the end after the first viewing, it can be difficult to latch onto the ideas that are being conveyed. Mr. Minty had to watch it twice – there’s no shame in that. Complex movies need second watchings. I am trained in this sort of analysis, he is not.

The film is a really excellent exploration of what fears we have of death, and what we will do to hold onto the ones we love. There are three incarnations of Hugh Jackman’s character, wanting to find a cure for death – through immortality, or through curing his wife’s cancer. I’ll try not to spoil the film for you, so I’m not going to expound on the themes. But it is absolutely layered in there with all kinds of messages, and what we really mean when we say we want immortality and how we deal with death and loss.

So watch it twice – it’s certainly beautiful enough to do that.¬†It is a stunningly beautiful movie – really. Here’s a screenshot from one of the incarnations.

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