Smarter Sookie

So you want to rewrite canon from your starting point of choice and “improve” on the books and make them far more awesome. One of the ways you want to do that is give Sookie powers up the wazoo, give Sookie all the money in the world, or often times to make her smarter.

I keep seeing these claims that fics have a “Smarter Sookie” or reviewers claiming Sookie is smarter. It’s rare that I agree – she’s usually made way more stupid than Book Sookie, who, as I have discussed doesn’t seem so stupid to me.

So here’s a simple shortcut on how to write an actually “Smarter Sookie”:

“Why, if we can produce proof of the crime, we’ll turn the culprit
over to the police,” he said smoothly.
Liar, liar, pants on fire. “I’ll make a deal, Eric,” I said, not bothering
to smile. Winsome did not count with Eric, and he was
far from any desire to jump my bones. At the moment.
He smiled, indulgently. “What would that be, Sookie?”
“If you really do turn the guilty person over to the police,
I’ll do this for you again, whenever you want.”
Eric cocked an eyebrow.
“Yeah, I know I’d probably have to anyway. But isn’t it
better if I come willing, if we have good faith with
each other?” I broke into a sweat.
I could not believe I was bargaining with a vampire.

Dead Until Dark, p. 201

See how Sookie didn’t believe Eric when he gave her his first line about how he would never ever ever do anything bad to humans? See how Sookie’s underlying premise is that perhaps, vampires are not to be trusted, and Eric especially isn’t all about the vagina and being kind to people? That’s what makes her smarter than a whole heap of chump “Smarter Sookie”s who just believe any crap that comes out of Eric’s mouth without ever wondering if he might have his own agenda as vampire politician. Jesus. Who trusts human politicians to be on the up-and-up? Let alone vampire ones.

Since I know that this will be taken as “She’s always mean to the 1000 year old murderer” or “She gave Bill more of a chance than she did Eric!” or “Bill poisoned her mind against sweet Eric!” then here – trusting vampires to do right because you’re helping, right after you meet them, is rather fucking stupid:

“Are you assuming that since you came to my rescue that you’re
safe, that I harbor an ounce of sentimental feeling after all these
years? Vampires often turn on those who trust them.
We don’t have human values, you know.”
“A lot of humans turn on those who trust them,” I pointed out.
I can be practical.
“I’m not a total fool.” I held out my arm and turned my neck.
While he’d been recovering, I’d been wrapping the Rats’
chains around my neck and arms.

Dead Until Dark, pp. 12-13

See how Sookie didn’t wander around dewy eyed and feel surprise at the fact that vampires hurt people? See how she armed herself, and didn’t just assume that any vampire would be as sweet as pie? See how she didn’t instantly trust Bill and tell him all about herself, while being so unfair to poor, poor Eric?

But since I know that almost anything said by Sookie is attributed to her being stupid, here – from Eric’s own lips:

You trust me?” Eric sounded surprised.
“That’s …crazy, Sookie.”

Living Dead in Dallas, p. 250

The minute Sookie trusts every word that comes out of Eric’s mouth, that makes her more stupid than Book Sookie. That’s what makes Show Sookie so damn stupid – she takes every word as truth – from Bill, from Eric, from the neighbourhood cat, and she’s happy to turn her fate over to a couple of vampires.

Eric is not Claudine with a dick. Visual for those who find reading a terrible trial:

Note: This picture is not to be taken to mean vampires can rape with impunity, just because they’re imprisoning girls, drugging them with blood and giving them no choice but to acquiesce to the inevitable. “I made her want it” is not a defence to rape charges, nor is imprisonment and bullying until you ‘consent’, nor is drugging her until she stops resisting (even if said drug is vampire blood) and nor is decree by higher powers. “He’s a vampire” is not an excuse. Don’t use this post to justify it. Sad I have to put this disclaimer, but true.