This Fucking Sucks

Amen sister. Did it ever. I watched the finale of True Blood, Season Four – it rivalled The Borgias for pointless romance storylines to dumb it down for the deeply stupid people who watch television. I don’t know who Alan Ball thinks are the supposed “smart people” for whom this is popcorn. Possibly Frito the lawyer on Idiocracy, when he’s not ‘batin’. The books, yes – they’re meaty goodness I can chew on and delve into, like Book Sookie for her vampire de jour. This trash television? It’s a diet pill. I don’t have to think very much, and if I do, it all falls apart like Show Sookie under a micro-ounce of pressure.

I was very surprised by this episode, mainly because almost all of the spoilers that came my way were “WHY YOU NOT WITH ERIC” rage. I heard vaguely about Gran, and vaguely about Nan and Jesus, but almost everything centred around one single scene of a relationship.

Coroners 101

Dude, do you know when people die, they have to have the cause of death certified by a coroner? You can’t just rock up to a funeral home with a dead body and ask if you can bury this now. Police investigate suspicious deaths – it’s why the Mob hides or dumps their bodies. It’s why forensic science exists. So, how the fuck did Tommy get buried? Or Marcus? Or Marnie? Or Jesus? The police aren’t going to be signing off on the “psychic medium” box for cause of death. If you die by violence, like say a dead 25 year old was found on a pool table by a waitress, and looked like he’d been beaten to death, they don’t release your body, allow a relative to bury it and cover it up. People actually investigate it. You know, like Andy Bellefleur.

Other shows can make entire shows out of “Shit True Blood drops the ball on”. Fucking Law and Order: Bon Temps.

We’re only barely working

Sookie checked in for her annual working day, and it was nice that the waitress sat down for a chat with Alcide. What happened to Season 1 Sookie mopping up tables? Why does this woman seem to come in, work hard enough to bring Alcide a drink, and then proceed to take a series of breaks? Why has no one robbed Sam yet, since he’s never around? How does this man make any damn money at all? Terry and Arlene are really being fools. They should have turned this diner into their own cash cow. If this was real life, some Nigerian scammer or some squatter would have taken over the bar and called it theirs.

Sookie might be able to get a whole packet of noodles for the 15 minutes of work she did. That should feed her well – she so shouldn’t have poured that blood of Eric’s down the sink – she should start selling it before she has to turn to prostitution to feed herself. Must be nice to have an invisible trust fund.

On top of that, I officially hate stupid fucking Alcide Herveaux on the show now. Like overly entitled Book Alcide, now that’s he’s ready for a relationship, he expects Sookie to be ready. How nice for you that you’ve finally dumped Debbie and want to have a ride on the Sookie train. Debbie should be dead soon, so that no matter how much you say “It’s finally over” it actually will be, you weak little man. How about when she says she’s not ready, you have to fucking wait. If she gets together with Alcide next year, I’m going to need a stress ball. I hate that man so fucking hard.

Ghosts in the Graveyard

Well, I thought that the whole Bill and Eric, vampire martyrs was stupid last week. The season finale took the fucking cake. I actually said “What the fuck?” when the ghosts came out for the stupid talk with Marnie. Fucking ghost counselling? Are you kidding me? I just…there are no words for how motherfucking retarded that whole bit was.

Firstly it’s prefaced by enduring another screaming Tara face, and more shitting our pants over vampires. Oh. My. God. I thought you’d forgotten about that endless fucking loop Henny Penny. Can we forget again? Remember, last week, with the milling around aimlessly? Could you just notice that the ones shitting their pants when you arrive are the vampires? Possibly sans pants, and definitely sans shit (although, these are the vampires that are able to be awake in the daytime, walk in the sunlight – it’s entirely possible that Eric takes a huge stinky blood dump every day). Bill did make me laugh when he said he preferred Eric when he was brain damaged. Now I just want to watch Eric get brain damaged, and Bill make fun of him.

Not only did Antonia not notice Holly Of The Gurning Face putting a giant salt circle around her, but then the entire dead of the Bon Temps graveyard standby as honour guard for Antonia who does everything. And has decided that she forgives vampires, and now feels sorry for them over the course of a day. And that she loves Marnie. So stupid.

Not to mention, why the fucking hell did Antonia lay all the blame on vampires for ruining Samhain? That was what we commonly understand as “Christian patriarchy” honey. Not fucking vampires. Vampires are not behind every single bad thing that happens in the world – they’re relatively powerless. That’s why they’re not our overlords, no matter how they try and wank on about the Authority, which has so many splinter groups and factions – and can’t even control it’s own populace, let alone the human race.

The Fairy Vagina

Oh how sorry we both felt for Pam. We laughed at her and everything. I don’t mean laughed with her and her stupid tirade, and agreed on how lacking Sookie is, but laughed at her and the raging tantrum she had cause Eric doesn’t like her any more. Wah wah. He’s really going to like her better once she’s ruined all his things. Seriously, it’s a hundred years Pam – all this wonderful vampire freedom you told Jessica about, exactly how is this free? Running around tied to Eric’s apron strings, worried he might not put you at the top of the pile – he never has. Master played you like a chump, and like a teenager, you’ll stay at home and wreck your room until he starts paying attention to you.

Seriously, why are these women so damn needy? The very last thing anyone could characterise Book Pam as is “needy”. I felt a bit sorry for Ginger though. I wish she’d grow some backbone and stake Pam during the day or something. Pam kicked her in the face a couple of seasons back, so even if the stupid Botox curse isn’t lifted, I still say Show Pam was always rotten inside. Book Pam isn’t cruel.

Supermodels just made me roll my eyes. Supermodels? Seriously? The same ones lining up around the block for a date with him? The ones who suspiciously wear eyeliner and goth clothes? He who fucks his golddigging pole dancer in his torture basement? Yeah – he’s upwardly mobile, to be sure. One of the society darlings, and a real Casanova. Not only that, but “spit their bones out”? Give me a break – who wouldn’t want a mind controlling cannibal as the next “Sexiest Man Alive”. Even the evidence of Eric’s life on the screen doesn’t support this stupid hyperbole bullshit lie.

Relationships…and coats

Just so you know, I didn’t hear any of the dialogue in the stupid Bill/Eric/Sookie triangle bit. I saw facial expressions and such but it’s all a blur, and I didn’t hear a word. Mr. Minty attempted to kill me. At the moment that we saw this shot:

Mr. Minty announced “Oh, it’s okay, they’ve got their matching threesome coats on” and I completely lost it and laughed so hard I had tears running down my cheeks. When I finally recovered (just at the end of whatever she said to Bill) he said “It’s the Supernatural Bachelorette”, so I missed whatever shit she said to Eric. I laughed so hard I cried, and I didn’t hear a word of whatever meaningless tripe was going to come out about the competitive bloodenings.

That’s okay cause I don’t care, but I have been giggling about the threesome coats all night (and am still smiling about it now).Β  Mr. Minty does this to me a lot when we watch television – one hell of a good reason not to watch it online. Of course, then later, I suggested that I would now try to find one of those coats so that I could put the wind up him – if you have a threesome coat, there’s a message there – and he pointed out that stripes are not his thing, and he’d end up looking like Harry Potter. πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€

If I find one of those ugly arse Granddad coats, I’m buying it. The kids will never get why I’ll grin at him and ask him if he’s offering every time he wears it. πŸ˜€

Not the girlfriend

I don’t recall Jason asking Jessica to be his girlfriend. I’m pretty sure he’s just fucking you honey – he didn’t ask you out on a date while he’s in the middle there. I’m not clear why that needed clarification. Jason is not Hoyt – and he knows he’s been roofied to want you like he told Hoyt, so empty fuck it is. Doing it in the back of his pickup on your Dad’s lawn is not a traditional courtship, so I think you’re safe to make it casual.

Jason has ‘grown’ right back to where he was in the first season. “Excellent” character arc there – so character arc-y, it’s a character loop. Lather, rinse and repeat….always repeat. So Season 5 should be Jessica showing him he’s valued, and then killing a bunch of people, leaving him ripe for Crystal to come back and get with the eating. I’m still crossing my fingers for that one because the rest of the season took what? a week and maybe they didn’t forget about the Hotshot meth lab – and if Crystal doesn’t fill up on Jason, I’d like her to consider Alcide as a side dish. He’s all tasty, so entitled and selfish – nummy numms.

Well, there was a stick standing on its end on the seat, nurse, and I sat down suddenly. It wasn’t sexual experimentation, honest!

What the hell was going on with the actress who played Nan? Did she actually have a stick up her bum in that scene? Did they tell her to do movement studies with a particularly belligerent chicken? She looked like the stick was so far up her bum she was worried it was going to come out her throat if she leaned too far forward. Yay for the menz finally defeating her though – and her lol “gay stormtroopers” (score one laugh for Eric). I’m not clear why either of them followed her in the first place – she gave orders with all kinds of threats, and no kinds of backup barring humans you could wipe out in a second. But it’s good that the guys did it with no problems. That lippy bitch was lording it over them in the name of other men for far too long – can’t have a woman in power and in control.

Now that she’s gone, and the Magister is gone, the Sheriff doesn’t do his job in Area Five, and the King’s too busy ordering everything he saw in Guns n Ammo, the 1253 glamour vampires can have the time of their lives. They should be right to eat the hell out of Sookie and rob Merlotte’s. It’s so wide open for the taking, Glamour Squad. But then, so is everywhere else in Louisiana. All the sheriffs are dead or wearing their matching threesome coats and bonding, so other vampires can do whatever they like. Be happy there’s no Felipe de Castro – or he’d be taking over this power-structure-less state faster than you can say “We have to kill Victor”.

Of course, that’s probably why Steve Newlin dropped round to Jason’s for a bite to eat. You’d think some vampire would have told him not to flash fang before he got an invite, but maybe Bill was his maker and told him nothing, and like all good True Blood characters, he ain’t operating under the heavy weight of logic and cunning. Luckily, he and Russell can team up as the odd couple – Russell loves gay vampire sex and Steve thinks he’s going to hell for all of the above – and go on a happy forcing and killing spree. How the hell these creatures stayed in the coffin for so long is beyond me. They’re not stealthy at all.

Tara – you may be missed on occasion, like when we need someone for “When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong”

Why did Anna Paquin save up the best acting she’s done over the course of the entire series for one last scene where Tara takes a gunshot to the head? Her contract must be up for renewal, or perhaps someone suggest she try to emote instead of pull stupid forced faces. I was expecting more of the stupid crying face she’s been doing forever. Here she is, pulling out realistic looking tears – and I didn’t even mind her “WRRRYYYYYY?” too much.

I thought Tara was a little silly for pushing Sookie out of the way, and obviously, it’s a shame she couldn’t be around for her death scene, so she could tell Sookie just like she did with Lafayette – there’s no time for the grieving honey, we’ve got to get over this and have some inspirational speeches on the same day you stabbed your boyfriend in the heart and licked up his blood. We had no choice, us victims of trouble and the evil machinations of the menz.

And that’s what they continue to be – all victims, never actors. Marnie and her group got close, but then they had to ruin all this foolish empowerment of women with making out like Marnie was just a misunderstood girl forced to listen to dead people and Marnie making sure herself to abdicate all of the other witches’ responsibility by trapping the poor dears into participating. Totally not responsible – she’s mad rather than bad. Except Roy – he chose it all the way. Debbie too is all high on V, and again, mad and not bad. The “good girls”, they’re just victims of circumstance. There’s no controlling what men will do to them – and they never do for themselves. Even Antonia found out she was just a misunderstood mad woman. Arlene persisted in her trend of not being responsible for stuff that goes wrong in her life – serial killer boyfriend is still running it from beyond the grave, and now he’s going to force evil on her head. No woman is truly evil – she’s just shaped that way through years of being a goddamned victim.

So True Blood continued it’s unending disempowerment of women, making sure that none of them were anything other than a variety of victims, each with a different pretty dress. Bravo Alan – four years running consistency. That’s something all of us can aspire to.

………..Unless we’re women.

And just in case that left you feeling a little down about the state of women, another picture to buck you up. [info]tigerjan110 made a hilarious comment – “Like since Vamp Eric’s apparently gotta have Sookie by his side all the time in case hunger strikes, maybe Human Eric keeps a chicken on a leash and a Foreman for quick grilling. If that’s too fancy, maybe he keeps a large supply of tater tots in his pocket, a la Napoleon Dynamite.” It called for me to shoop it. Enjoy:

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