So it finally jumped the shark

Well, I just watched Episode 11 of True Blood tonight, wherein Eric and Bill offered to shoot each other over Sookie. Not only am I not invested in these “relationships” – which really should be changed to “competitive bloodenings” wherein they brainwash her into ‘loving’ one or the other – but kill themselves for her? Shit, even Sookie didn’t believe that they would, and she’s still giving them plaintive looks of love anyway, so this was really necessary? I didn’t believe this grandstanding, and I didn’t find it romantic – for either vampire. They’re not teenagers for goodness sake. Perhaps someone should explain about death being permanent to those two bozos.

I would also like to thank Alan, in the most sarcastic voice I could manage (and I can manage a lot of sarcasm) for completely fucking Pam up one side and down the other. I used to wish that she’d stop her job of standing behind Eric and going on runs to drop off V, but now I see why that is essential Pam business. That’s because she’s too damn stupid to be left on her own for two minutes, or given any kind of autonomy.

Pam’s been pissing me off this season, with her ability to wait for witches to start chanting, but not to finish chanting, because she pronounces it a failure. This episode? She really took the cake. She outshone Show Sookie with her stupid – and that’s saying something. After watching Jason throw an inanimate object at the wall of sunlight, and cause a small explosion, watch a vampire get caught and devoured by said wall of sunlight, Braintrust Pam thinks tossing a missile at it will work out well? Oh honey, 100 years of standing behind Eric, and you still can’t figure shit out? Yeah, you stand behind him again. I’m sorry I thought you were capable, or at the very least, logical. Maker-child relationship or not, this Pam who doesn’t stand behind Eric is a threat to everyone around her. I’m glad Eric told her to GTFO because she doesn’t think about what she’s doing. I’m hoping I don’t have to witness the ruination of Book Pam with Show Pam again next season. Stand behind Eric honey and just don’t talk.  It’s better for both of us that way. You don’t have to say anything, I don’t have to weep at your downfall.

High on the lack of logic, and shit that doesn’t go anywhere are the following things:
The Witches are our enemy

This was King Bill at his finest. What does he do every single time he comes in contact with witches? He jams his thumb into their buttholes to really piss them off. First he sends Eric to do public relations – you know, the guy who hates all bloodbags? Good call, Kingy. Then he sends Pam to do some mild threatening. Show Pam is unfortunately an impatient dickhead, and that goes pear shaped. Then King Bill in his supreme wisdom calls a meeting. Does he come alone as promised? Nope. He brings half his army, and an Eric who can’t keep his fangs to himself. Excellent call – particularly in light of the fact that they were the vampires who pissed her off in the first place. All she was doing was raising her dead bird, and who made you the boss of the witches anyway?

In the latest round of stupidity, when Bill hasn’t figured out that the very sight of him elicits rage in the witch, he decides that “negotiation” means “I will demand something, and you shall do it”. Demanding Sookie is set free just told the witch that that’s what you want. What were you going to do then? Blow the Moon Goddess Emporium sky high? Oh yeah, that’s how you do things in the Bill Compton School of Witch Relations.

On another note, I would never do anything for vampires ever again:

They sure are grateful to humans who help them out – and forgiving as well. As my father would have said at this point “Stick it in your arse. A good thing never hurt you.” I would have followed through with giving them the finger, as well. At least Tara, Lafayette and Jesus have stopped shitting themselves that vampires will kill them. Bill and Eric were milling around, not killing them, and Pam is somewhere crying, trying to figure out what’s so bad about aiming a rocket launcher when you were told by Master not to. Poor Pam. She’ll probably need help on that one, the empty headed creature she is – because even thieves know, one does not rip Vintage Cartier off necks so that the clasp is fucked up. They’ve been stepping on her neck for nigh on twenty minutes having a chat. They’ll let you remove it with care so it’ll do up on your neck without having to have it repaired.

“Glamour Squads are deployed throughout Shreveport”

Bitch, please. The President of the United States could not keep a blowjob secret in the privacy of his office. If you want me to believe that “Glamour Squads” could do anything about humans noticing shit? Like how Mum went to a tolerance rally for vampires, and didn’t come home? Or how Dad went to that rally and came home happy soaked in blood? Who are these vampires who make their living solely from being in a squad of memory erasers? What barracks do you have them sitting in waiting around to erase the memories of people?

Since there is a possible 1 hour window to stop things getting to the press (and that’s generous in the world of social media) and Shreveport according to Wikipedia has 375,910 people in the metro area, and each glamour would take 5 minutes, that means that there are roughly 1253 vampires sitting around waiting to glamour the entire population. You’d have to glamour everyone, since once you ask “Did you hear about vampires killin’ a bunch of people?” you’d have to glamour them anyway. A sensible idea, to be sure. And Eric’s not even doing his job and having these 1253 vampires do duty at Fangtasia. That’s alright, cause he hasn’t been to work in weeks.

No one works here any more

Bill’s kingdom must be running on the smell of a golden rag. Not only has Eric completely dropped the ball on his bar, but Bill doesn’t seem to do anything other than fuck his staff and buy munitions. At least Sophie Anne’s sunroom was pretty – and you had something to look at when you said to yourself “Why is this woman bankrupt?”. Leave to a Confederate soldier to think war is the answer, and buy all the guns he can get his greedy hands on. Will we find Bill on the (beautiful) hard wood floors scratching lottery tickets when Russell comes calling next season? I doubt it.

Maybe that’s where the Glamour Squads come in handy – “You did not see vampires buying rocket launchers” – that’s what they do in downtime. Hide the fact that not only are they monsters of the darkness, but their armaments rival the entire state of humans put together. That  wouldn’t frighten anyone buying a gun alongside some vampire stocking up, now would it? Oh, it would? WE HAVE GLAMOUR SQUADS – LUCKY HUH? Stupid.

Sam doesn’t go to work either – other than when he needs to go in and yell at Tommy. Sookie hasn’t done a day of work in weeks either. How do all of these people live? How do they buy food for themselves? I mean, vampires can pick up takeaway, but the humans can’t grab the nearest person and eat them. Or they shouldn’t. Or they’re not doing that on screen. I think Arlene and Terry should set about stealing every last bit of shit that Merlotte’s has, raiding the till and buying a house. No one has watched them for months.

Body Disposal 101

I actually felt a bit sad for Tommy last episode – it was sad he died. I’m not sure that I would have let a 20-something man “choose his time to die” while in pain, as Alcide advocated, but Alcide is not known for his brains. But okay, is Tommy still on that pool table, dead, with the patrons of the bar around him? How are they going to explain that one? Sam hasn’t been to work in weeks either, and Arlene will have a shit fit when she finds a dead guy on the pool table.

Also, what is Luna going to say to her daughter? Yeah, she’s not answering the question of “Where’s Daddy?” with “Dead upstairs for being an arsehole”. Let’s give Sam a look – and it wasn’t even Sam who killed him. Where was Sam giving her a dirty look when her ex killed his brother?

On another note, you know, I don’t know that any mother would go looking for her kid at her ex’s place, think said kid could be states away, and would be told to “calm down” by her boyfriend….and actually do it. That’s a guy that’s looking for a woman to slug him in the face and run away looking for her daughter. Yes, I know it suits the plot if Sam comes along, and Alcide has to be there to see the number is his, but shit, that is not even vaguely realistic for Luna to have done.

Shifters Suck

Oh, okay, so Marcus thinks shifters are inferior. Good to know. So why the hell is he Fanfic Eric and fucking someone he has contempt for? Why did he impregnate a shifter? Why did he even date her for God’s sake? There are plenty of fine Were women – who I’m sure would hop on the Packmaster of Shreveport for a ride. If he wasn’t dead, I’d give him a good talking to about how it’s actually possible to keep your dick in your pants, and not fuck someone you don’t respect even slightly. And how if you do want a dalliance with a lesser being, then perhaps you shouldn’t BREED MORE OF THEM WITH YOUR SUPERIOR WERE DNA.

Contrary to other spoilers I’ve seen around, I don’t have any problem with the fact that Marcus is a greasy looking biker. Lots of weres are. Patrick Furnan and Tray Dawson were possible “greasy looking bikers” who owned bike shops.  And Patrick was Packmaster for a bit. Greasy looking biker fits just fine.

Circles of Magic

I hate to break it to AB, but he just shit all over a bunch of new age types. Being in a magical circle shouldn’t be forced. The circle should concentrate the energy and focus of each individual into the spell. They’re not there to make up the numbers or look pretty – they’re there to direct energy. They actually have to be involved and want it. The act of holding hands with someone else does not create a spell, unless you’re Andy and it was only a finger. If that circle really went ahead, it would fuck up the spells in Antonia/Marnie’s face, because the energy is at cross purposes.

Way to offend an entire swathe of believers. They must love you, mate.

On top of that, Jesus is fine with raising a parrot from the dead, but not fine with other types of blood and corpse magic? What the fuck? Did Alan Ball even put one ounce of research into this thing? Necromancy is widely considered to be a dark magic, for goodness sake. I hate to break it to Jesus, but his practices went dark a long time ago.

And I’d like to know how the fuck Marnie was able to “bind” herself to Antonia’s spirit, but then it could be reversed by Jesus within minutes. Are they aware of what “binding” means? There was all that lovely time where Antonia came out of Marnie, and instead of attacking her, Lafayette, Sookie and Jesus just sat around narrating it for the audience. I was pleased to note that just like the stupids last week, who tried the doorknob after watching Tara get burned by the doorknob, yet another idiot witch made for the door. They don’t learn, do they?

Now I’ve had your blood, I’m sure we’re in love

So Jason thinks he’s thinking about Jessica even when her blood isn’t  in him? Uh, when would that be? When Jessica was still with Hoyt, Jason was thinking about her? Jason has had feelings for Jessica for a year now, and it just so happened that he dated Crystal instead? Even I can see that Jason is drugged out of his mind.

Jessica went some way to annoying the living shit out of me this season as well. Let’s talk about how fucking wonderful it is to be a vampire…and then completely ignore that we spend all day wrapped in silver. There’s your freedom honey, the wide open possibility to do anything – like have kids, have a relationship and all that other shit Hoyt said to hurt your feelings. What a fucking retard. Vampirism is freeing? What from? The oppression of sunlight? Ya know, regular girls can fuck whoever they please and do what they want too.

As for the Eric/Sookie/Bill love triangle, I’m not such a shipper in the books that I’m pro-Eric on the show. The show is different – and if it wants to deviate, it can’t rely on the books to build that ship for me, since it changed the books. Like fanfic, it has to prove I should support this relationship, and find it lovely and interesting. Some fanfic writers can do it – but Alan Ball can’t. Fail, Alan. I don’t care if Sookie is with Bill or Eric. I just want them to stop boring me with their endless romantic twaddle. To quote The Simpsons: “You’re boring me! Quit boring me, boredy.” The books kick arse for not having endless inspirational love speeches. I’m almost glad when they fuck, because at least they shut the hell up for a couple of minutes. I just have to put up with the various suitor-flavoured love songs in the background.

I was kinda glad that Anna got it on with Eric and Bill – if only for the fact that she shut the hell up with her justification to her own psyche why it was okay with her that she fuck both of them. For goodness sake, Book Sookie laughed at the idea. And made some jokes – and even if they were lame jokes due to blood loss, it was still handled better than the show. Geez, and Show Sookie had to give us all a long lecture on why it’s fine? Really? Here’s a thought – if it’s fine to fuck them both, just do it. It’s your goddamn dream. I wouldn’t have batted an eye at the scene if it was just presented to me. But the stupid justification lecture? Shut the fuck up.

Yet again, in visual format, I got a nice clear message of the good it can do when vampires have given you blood. Bill and Eric look at each other, confirm that Sookie is frightened, and stand there doing absolutely nothing. Good job. That’s a real helpful quality. Vampires know you’re in danger, and do dick except get agitated about it. At least that’s just like the books.

Mr. Minty is meanwhile trying to ascribe Brook, Ridge and Taylor from The Bold and the Beautiful to various castmembers. He maintains that Brook is Sookie, Ridge is Alcide, and Taylor is Debbie. He kept expecting Aslan to make an appearance in the shower/bonding/snow WTF scene too, although we both admired the bed and the bedding….which at least got us to take our minds off the terrible dialogue.

In a completely sad commentary about how fascinating I find the show, for the last couple of weeks, the fact that they call us all vampire lovers in the ad lead-in, thanks to my complaint to the station, has elicited a squee of delight. The show has not. But I’ll still watch it next year – not even going to make out like I won’t. It’s interesting for helping me appreciate the books, and for seeing what turns up in fanfic. I love watching shit I can pick to pieces anyway – it’s not as if after four years of fucking up, I actually care about how different it is from the books.

I wait with trepidation for yet another man to kill Marnie – because not enough men have defeated her completely, for Sookie to do her stupid faces about shit I don’t care about (because those faces are the most memorable thing about those scenes), and Bill to do something else to piss people off, and Eric to “help” him keep shit calm by quickly killing people standing alongside.

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